sheer sweetness

2011-07-02T14:15:00.002+08:00

this is it.
i'm done.
leaving blogger. it's easier to post a bunch of pics on how i feel or what i like to see, rather than post a long dribble of crap.
noone wants to read that anyway. dont lie, you're secretly thinking it.

wafflesforlife.tumblr.com
go. if you're interested.

2011-06-20T19:20:00.000+08:00

like a ship blown from its mooring
by a wind off the sea

2011-06-07T23:04:00.001+08:00

2011-06-05T22:01:00.000+08:00

haven't updated in a long time.
in between studying and sleeping, there really isn't much time. been mostly out of the house and when i'm at home, either i'm studying or eating or sleeping.
life isn't boring though. unless when i'm studying, then that sucks.
have had a fair share of adventures. some make me smile and laugh and bubble with happiness, others make me fuming mad and sick in the stomach; some are fun, others not so.
recording for 1823fund album was quite a highlight. for once doing a profesional recording was pretty cool. met some professionals in the industry, or actually just 3.
and i finally got my guitars fixed. duh wasted moneh going to swee lee and guitar workshop and whatever rubbish i will just go back to blackwood (or rather ebenex, now it's called).

in short,
life's good. studying, not so, but i hope it'll get better.

contemplating swapping over to tumblr. would be slightly easier to work with little bite sized nuggets of updates every now and then, or pop a picture or two up. then again there's some sentimentality attached in these archives which i am probably not going to look through. then again, who still looks at this page?
will think about it if i even have time to. which is no.

2011-05-09T22:02:00.002+08:00

lunch at sofra today with junior exco.
i think we'll all make sure that we mentor everyon properly this time.

2011-05-03T00:41:00.001+08:00

and it's over.

the slow feeling of loss is beginning to creep up on me.

there's so much i want to say to so many people, and admittedly 1 year is not enough to get to know all my batchmates as well as i would have loved to, much less our juniors.

as for my batchmates - you guys have been the crazy, hairy insane group of people i'm closest to - almost as close as family. as an 11-member club, it feels just like a large extended family, one that unfortunately will not stay together forever. every single one of you have made a hugely significant impact on my life thus far, and honestly i can't bear to have to leave you guys.

over this past year alone, i've been looking back at what we've accomplished together. and i realised that i've grown quite a lot, from being a fresh j1 to the person i am today.

its ridiculous. its mind blowing.

what would i have been without raffles jazz? it's a question i keep asking myself - truly, how would i have been without this group of people? how could i have gone through the year without each and every single one of you? from friday practices that we all eagerly anticipated every week and the numerous stages we've shared, to the failed mugging sessions and the downright retarded things that we do all the time.

i havn't been the best that i could have. i know i have rubbed off badly with some of you with my insensitivity and my temper. its not something i'm proud of, and im grateful for how forgiving and accepting you guys have been. i owe everyone an apology, for being such a prick.

it's been a challenge, having been thrown the reins from the previous exco, to guide the club to a direction we were completely unclear of. to manage working and personal relationships with each and every one of you. honestly i dont think i did a good job, but i learnt a lot from working with each and every one of you. its definitely been a humbling and eye-opening experience.

if we actually went back and counted - how many hours, honestly, did we spend together in that music room/jamming studio? be it preparing for gigs, workshops, or just jamming together? the numerous dinners, planning for various events, camp, intake, etc?

jazz club became almost a second home, having spent more hours with club-related stuff than sleep, or anything else. to be perfectly honest, my parents were unhappy with how much of myself i was pouring towards the club - one they argued was transient and only spanning 1.5years.

while that may be true, for one of the few times in my life, i loved what i was doing: getting together with strangely like-minded people, enjoying the music which i fell in love with almost instantly, doing crazy and embarassing stuff without giving a care in the world about whether others thought we were weird because secretly inside we all are. and let's face it - jazz club has brought into my life the craziest shit and the weirdest people i have ever met. we are all weird. everyone knows that we are weird. and what's amazing is that while individually we are all low-profile weirdos, collectively as a club we are the most awesome there is. and that was why i poured my life into jazz and i've never regretted it.

this past 1.5 years have been th most life-changing experience ever. it's brought me a long way, shaped me definitively into the kind of person i am now. i still have a long way to go, and that's fine - because now i know i am heading to wherever i'll end up with much more than i could have ever asked for. i'll never forget this period of my life - who would?

i love all of you. seriously. you guys have been the most awesome bunch of people i could ever ask for. be it in the good times and the bad.

if it were up to me i would never want to leave jazz club. unfortunately like the cliched saying goes, all good things must come to an end. and sadly, our term has ended - but i dont suppose it's something to be unhappy about - rather, the arrival of fresh faces to keep the legacy alive, makes what we've done all the more worth it.

and speaking of fresh faces, to our juniors - it feels like not long ago we were agonising over whether our juniors would be awesome. or would there EVEN be juniors who were willing to join jazz. and there was the constant fear amongst us j2s that we wouldnt be able to lead you guys properly. we wanted to be the best seniors that our juniors could have, and yet we were afraid of what was to come. none of us felt ready to teach and lead juniors when we ourselves felt lost and unsure of what we wanted to do.

and i'm sure that i speak on behalf of all of the seniors when i say that you guys far surpassed our expectations. our wildest dreams, even. each and every one of you have been truly amazing, in all aspects. not only did all of you come eager to learn (and learn quickly you did!), all of you have taken so much initiative, in doing the best you can, and made concert the huge success that it was.

i was commenting to peixin just now, and i'll say it again: your batch will go far. it's really heartening to see that our junior batch is so bonded and love the club so much. take heed: the friendships you forge in the following precious months together after we're gone will hold all of you together, and trust me, you will remember all these friends for life.

treasure the upcoming half a year that you spend together - it probably will be the most rapid growth individually and collectively you will all experience. and it will pass by, very very quickly. soon we'll be coming back to collect a level results and you will all be leading little jazzers, training them in the culture (or cult?) that is jazz club.

and then, we will look back and say with pride - those are our juniors.

heck, dont talk about then - we already are very proud of each and every one of you. you have all done yourselves proud today, and deserve a pat on the back for all the hard work and effort you've put in. well done everyone!

strictly speaking, we'll never leave jazz club. it's an ingrained part of us, just like how today many alumni jazzers came back to watch and support our concert. and we'll always keep coming back, be it to crash your practices, or to watch concert next year. and the year after that. and again and again.

someone mentioned this before, but RAFFLES JAZZ IS FAMILY.

nuff' said, i think.

2011-05-01T23:55:00.000+08:00

post 700.
tomorrow's the day.
Chase! 2010.
$007, 7pm, 2/5/2010 (2+5=7)
apt.

let's go guys, make this one awesome!

2011-04-22T01:06:00.001+08:00

it's been very tiring.
just a little over one more week, and the past year of hard work will be over in a flash.
pshhhhhh.

2011-04-17T16:18:00.000+08:00

i've come to realise that actually, i am quite enjoying my current state of life. in a material aspect.
somehow i think having a nice clean comfortable home, not too big but cosy enough, to come back to satisfies me enough. so much so that honestly i dont think i would want to pursue a rich and comfortable lifestyle, living the high life.
mind you, i'm not saying i don't want money - money is always nice to have, but somehow i don't think i'd be very dissatisfied if i had to continue the current standard of living that i am having right now. it's pretty darn comfortable enough for me, and that's something to be thankful for. i've lived the high and the low, and currently now sitting somewhere along the middle line feels just right for me.
its kind of hard to explain. not being able to buy anything at my own whim and fancy - somehow i'd rather be that way rather than be able to purchase whatever i want when i want to. having nice stuff is, well, nice, but maybe i won't be as happy/satisfied? idk, unsure. reason being that i'll always keep chasing the best and the most expensive and keep spending and spending and feeling dissatisfied.
honestly all i really want to do is live a peaceful, quiet comfortable life in a comfy HDB flat with a loving wife and kids. doesnt have to be the richest lifestyle around, cos honestly speaking, it doesnt matter to me that much.
and i suppose it would be a better environment to bring up kids in a more grounded way, instead of the careless spending we see nowadays. something to keep in mind, especially when rationing my allowance.
dont know why i suddenly thought of this. contemplating the future.

2011-04-14T22:56:00.001+08:00

tired.
not enough time.

2011-04-13T23:07:00.000+08:00

"Trust does not have to be earned. It has to be given. For the single mistake one makes, how unreasonable it is not to trust another again?

Trust is to allow pple to make mistakes.
The reason why pple dun trust pple anymore is because we dun allow pple to make mistakes.
we take trust away too quickly. it is more impt to maintain trust than to punish mistakes.

"I can be foolish, I can make mistakes. that's me. laugh with me"

sometimes I am stupid, i am fragile. I makes mistakes. pls love me for that. I am not hiding it from you, I trust you to understand that, my imperfection. just like i trust in your imperfections.

Continuously giving trust and you will lose fear. yes, pple may let you down, abuse you but when one trusts, you no longer live in fear."

wise words from one i respect quite a bit.

2011-04-10T20:23:00.002+08:00

this helps me remember why i love jazz in the first place.

2011-04-09T23:21:00.000+08:00

i've realised that i place lots of importance on trust.
yet sometimes i forget and i break others' in me.
and i've realised that i hate it when people don't trust me.
i'm so glad i can trust you and vice versa.

2011-04-07T21:12:00.000+08:00

A A E A E D.
what? no this isn't my CT results, i wish luh ><
napfa today. fail at SBJ and pullups. sian max.
but at the rate i'm going i feel confident to pass in july.

2011-04-04T23:49:00.002+08:00

getting chem, econs, and possibly math tomorrow.
i dont even want to know.

2011-04-01T22:17:00.002+08:00

forgive me, for I have sinned.
I shall not partake of macdonalds again.

2011-03-31T20:22:00.000+08:00

i was feeling pretty blue.
then the track switched, and it brightened my day.
with sandcastles by your doorstep.

2011-03-30T23:02:00.000+08:00

i am back not so early today.

but a post is long overdue. besides, today's one of those rare days i actually have no homework and am feeling good. technically i could be doing ahead (differential equations hurhur) but naaaaah.
anyway i'm not getting back any of my results this week, all next week. honestly i'm not looking forward to it lul. i know i failed econs from how the walkthroughs of the paper have been during econs tutorial, while i don't really want to get back math and i'm dying to see how my chem did. hopefully it's not that bad, that i have to go for chemfocus. i also want to get back gp, but that's a different story.
and i've conveniently left out bio. meh bio, get back dont get back also no difference.
which means i'm getting them all back next week. brilliant.
next week is going to be a killer. napfa test, results, and PW!
woah PW. *rueful smile*
(let's not go there.)
and concert prep! i am excited about concert. things are slowly shaping up (not fast enough but meh) but i'm supermegaproud of our juniors. jazz club 2011/2012 is going to be awesome, i can feel it in my bones.

it's strange to blog after a long while of sparse updates and just, well, not blogging.
life is good though. enjoying myself. maybe a little too much, maybe not. 18 weeks, lets go.

oh and i picked up my guitars from servicing today wheee they are super awesome. complimentary polish on all of them too they feel so sleek and sexy. fingers itching to get at them.

2011-03-27T00:19:00.000+08:00

i'm back, after a sleepover.

aall izz vell.

i would most definitely love to do this sometime again.

2011-03-24T23:54:00.000+08:00

CTS ARE OVER.
TIME TO HAVE FUN FUN FUN.
ITS GONNA BE FRIDAY FRIDAY FRIDAY
WE SO EXCITED.

bahahahhahahahhahahahha homg earsbleed.

[1]

2011-03-23T17:57:00.001+08:00

i knew chem was going to be bad, but i didnt know it was going to be THIS bad.
houwellat least i managed to finish the paper. that alone increases my chances of passing by 22.76%!
yeah i just made that figure up. like most of my MCQ answers.
just keeeeeeding...right?
._.

[2]

2011-03-22T14:49:00.001+08:00

failed math.
it wasnt hard. i just didnt practice enough.

[3]

2011-03-21T19:36:00.000+08:00

econs today was :O
like really :O
because i found it manageable. while everyone was wailing and moaning about deregulation, i thought it was fairly enjoyable.
if i had time to study a bit more, i definitely would do better. but for now i'm pretty satisfied and feeling good about it.

i am so excited for this to be all over. then it'll be a weekend of rest and relaxation.
or not. hmmm.

[4]

2011-03-20T17:57:00.000+08:00

a thought just occurred to me.

honestly speaking, i don't think i'll be doing well this CT, despite trying so hard to squeeze in so many hours of studying per day in the week running up to them.
which is precisely the problem i guess. once this is all over i'll have time to properly reflect on the past month, but some preliminary observations tell me that obviously one week is insufficient. it's so insufficient, insufficient is insufficient to describe its insufficiency.
i'm not saying that i give up though, no no no. I'm still going to try to do as best as i can. i have good feelings about chem and math, which may turn terrible considering how they're my weakest subjects after econs. i still havnt revised much bio, but the week has already come to an end and however hard i try to cram the day before, it won't be sufficient.
expectations. i guess i set really high expectations for myself all the time - probably the reason why i'm not accustomed to failure as much as i should. as a result i stress out, and things go kaboom. evidently, that's not a very healthy way of living - not only does it make me age quicker but it also drains me emotionally and physically.
thankfully, this isn't the end of the road yet. there's still 6~odd months to go till the final battle. and even then, it's barely beginning the great journey we call life.

lots of things to learn from this past month. i will need to sit down and spend some alone time to figure myself out. only then can i begin to properly function and make myself useful.

2011-03-20T16:30:00.000+08:00

i don't care, i need a break.
CT's tomorrow, am not prepared, but I'll just go in and whack.
then after CT's are done, i'll have more room to breathe and think properly.

[5]

2011-03-18T22:48:00.000+08:00

tonight, i came back early. for once. even my parents said so.
this past week has been pretty hectic. massive cramming every single day, and i'm barely even half done. i have a strange feeling about math, a good (which is not good) feeling about chem, and a doomed feeling for econs. bio i don't even know yet because i havnt managed to actually study it or plan out a study schedule for it - probably will just wing it on the day itself and smoke a little. my plan to study bio every night this week failed because i've been crashing the very instant i reach home.
can't help it. CT's are just next week, and i've got so much on the line.

[7]

2011-03-17T23:55:00.002+08:00

i'm reaching back home really really really late everyday. ugh.
CTssss suck.

rawrrr.

[8]

2011-03-14T22:43:00.001+08:00

shattered.
but it doesnt change a thing. it wont change a thing.

2011-03-14T06:57:00.001+08:00

wake up.
time to study.

[11]

2011-03-12T20:53:00.000+08:00

i'm currently waiting in a secluded corner of the school as a zombieber, waiting to ambush my juniors when they walk past.
i just hope my juniors enjoy themselves. that alone would probably make up for all the flaws and organizational failures behind the scenes.

[13]

2011-03-12T01:50:00.002+08:00

mind = blown.

off to camp.

[14]

2011-03-10T21:18:00.001+08:00

was stressed out over the concert doing sound.

idk why.

thanks, though. its because of times like these i'm constantly reminded why i'm so lucky.

[15]

2011-03-09T21:28:00.000+08:00

i am boring like that, so i picked a safe question.
"democracy is not for everyone. discuss"

well duh. captain obvious is obvious.

[16]

2011-03-08T01:12:00.001+08:00

stalkers uniting over here too.

-insert cheekopek emoticon-

twenty five.

[17]

2011-03-06T16:30:00.002+08:00

heard this over the radio just now.
well not exactly this awesome version but still apt.

2011-03-06T02:03:00.000+08:00

filming's done.
wheee.

we didnt achieve what we originally wanted to achieve.
but i think we learnt so much more.
kindof looking forward to future lessons.

mark this day down - 5th march.
remember it, and everything that came along with it.

2011-03-02T23:22:00.001+08:00

hey hi i want to -

zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz *snore*

2011-03-01T18:41:00.001+08:00

"life is fun because you never know what's going to happen."

2011-02-28T20:48:00.001+08:00

mugging mode on.

two weeks to CTs this is not funny.

2011-02-27T08:47:00.002+08:00

i woke up at 6.30am to go for a jog today.
somehow i didnt exactly plan my route, but my feet just happened to carry me past the rows of blocks, across red man traffic lights and along the vast field next to the park.
in my 7+ years of living here, i've never run to the park before - never knew it was merely a 7minute jog. 5, if i wasn't being such a wimp and pausing halfway to catch my breath. still sick, but also very unfit.
and so i paid my 2nd ever visit to that same park. sunplaza park or whatever it's called, i don't even know.
it's really so much different going to the park at night as opposed to the morning - for one, there's that earthshaking stillness, solitude and solace when it's at night. in the morning it's much busier, with many senior citizens living in the adjacent HDBs taking their morning strolls with their kakis/spouses and whatnot - i'm pretty sure i was the only one under 40 today.
perhaps it's because it felt like familiar territory today. the first time round the park felt so much more hauntingly beautiful in the dark, with various branches of tracks spreading out in various directions, waiting to be explored. in the early morning where the area is bathed in a blueish hue, it loses some of it's mystery when you can see pretty much from end to end. or maybe it's because i knew where i was going.
i'm ranting again. shall keep it concise.
it's still a nice place to go to - breezy and sheltered. plus it has a water cooler - something i didnt notice on the first trip - so that was handy.
and out on a whim i decided to take a detour, to retrace some of the routes taken before - dropped by the rabbit pen, where i only managed to see two fat rabbits instead of three, maybe one was still snoozing like a pig in a corner; passed by the same 7+ stray cats, who stared at me quizzically whilst i ran past - before continuing my circuit around the main track.
and after about 3 or so rounds i couldnt help but feel inexplicably drawn towards the sense discovery garden. and decided to pause and take a breather at the third relocation point, the set of benches in front of the blue tubes containing unknown denizens of the dark.
and i just, well, sat there.
and contemplated.
in the tranquility of that particular hidden and sheltered spot occasionally punctuated by the rumbling of the MRT zooming past, i couldnt help but feel a slight strange keening feeling of loss.
it's strange how things in life tend to fall together in place sometimes, isn't it? and it sometimes just doesn't make sense. the whole uncertainty of things to come in the future makes us so wary of moving forward into uncharted territories.
but then again, isn't life a kind of risk-reward scenario? would we know things, feelings, sensations, knowledge, everything, if we never really dared to try? obviously, risks undertaken must be calculated - either that or we'd be fools to think that it would succeed.
and with every risk taken, sacrifices will have to be made. as much as we'd like to skip the entire process and get to the end result, unfortunately life just doesn't work that way i guess.
am I complaining? not really. sometimes such sacrifices are just simply, to put quaintly, worth it. and i guess this is just one of those times. heck, even this jog required me to sacrifice an extra hour of sleep, but it's worth it.
and just like this run which wasn't over yet, no point coming so far to just, idk, give it up.
so i got up and began my slow jog back.

just my 2cents worth of thoughts accumulated over the course of the morning.
anyway i like going there. with all the old folks around, makes me feel young again.

2011-02-27T00:31:00.000+08:00

i opened itunes today.
and i realised how long i havn't really properly listened to a jazz track. ages, really.
somehow i've detracted for quite some time to listening to pop-rock, some metal and the acoustic stuff i used to listen to.
it was a break, i suppose, but after a while i got bored. back to listening to more jazz.
and today's playing at NLB apart from being downright abysmal (still better than chijazz even though we didnt prepare anything) made me realise that shit - i really havn't practiced at all, or been listening to proper jazz guitar. fingers are rusty, scalework and chord shapes are rusty, and i'm basically stagnating.
scary. i dont want to stay this way. especially now with juniors freshly in, i have to keep up or else damn lau kui.

dempsey hill is super atas. nice though.

2011-02-26T19:58:00.000+08:00

it's kind of really hard to keep your mind straight when you're trying to control your nose from leaking everywhere and your throat from hacking so hard you cant breathe.
headache.

dinner at dempsey soon.

2011-02-25T23:45:00.002+08:00

i'm waiii-eee-ehting,
i'm waiii-eee-ehting,

-
stupid bus.

2011-02-22T17:42:00.001+08:00

2011-02-22T00:00:00.000+08:00

i am in a funk.

must make up for lost time. shall be more efficient and dilligent.

unlike today where after completing bio tutorial in school i promptly came back and crashed after medication.

until 9.45pm. and i'm already feeling extremely tired even after sleeping for so long.

some homework still left incomplete - will try to finish that at least before i sleep.

being sick kind of really, really sucks.

unfortunately there isnt any way to go around this wooziness.

and so in the condition of a pitiable funk.

2011-02-20T18:35:00.001+08:00

sick.
fever, headache, cough, runny nose,
in short, feeling like shit.

i'm glad i survived the week though, even though today i'm feeling kind of dead.
completely worth it.

2011-02-17T23:02:00.002+08:00

are some things better left unsaid?

2011-02-17T00:45:00.000+08:00

auditions today were not as happening as yesterday.

i am so behind on homework. i havnt started studying for any of my CTs and they are in 4.5 weeks. FML.
but i reach home at 10+ everyday, by the time i've showered and begun to take my stuff out, its 11 and i'm half asleep.

and i get waylaid by stuff like this. <-- seriously though those were the days.

throat is killing me little by little, slowly. thank goodness i dont sing.

/sigh.

2011-02-15T23:21:00.003+08:00

i have this rather silly grin on my face. makes the mushroom of hair i have now even more ridiculous.

i didnt get caught sleeping in lecture today - rather, yihang who was sitting next to me got scolded. i think it must be the fact that my eyes dont close when i sleep.
auditions today were good. pleasantly surprised by some. more tomorrow.

honestly, i dont look forward to school at all - i look forward to what comes after.
and remedial PE is starting to grow on me. serious.

2011-02-14T21:28:00.002+08:00

fuck i hate tuesdays.
and wednesdays.

2011-02-13T17:42:00.000+08:00

after i came back from peixin and miin's concert, i proceeded to watch fry and laurie for three hours before realising my hair had dried and i could go sleep.

there's just something magical about british humor that makes me feel spiffingly chuffed to bits.

then again the british have jamiroquai too.

2011-02-11T16:04:00.002+08:00

TODAY
IS THE DAY
TO PLAY

take 5 2011.
ahh sucks lah still no tan despite a whole morning at sentosa.

2011-02-11T00:41:00.000+08:00

sian to the max.
honestly i dont think i was a very good example for a vice-chair and a SL.
failed terribly when it came to sectionals. i had a plan,
and i ditched it -.-
so basically it as awkward silence followed by me trying my bnest to articulate my thoughts while failing terribly.
FREAK.
and while demoing the songs, soloed like rubbish and started off HOLT at twice the normal speed we usually play at. as a result, missed notes, dropped beats, everything.
fail max.

i dong geddit why when we rehearse we can nail it 100% perfectly but when it comes to the real thing it sounds like shit.

2011-02-10T00:03:00.000+08:00

i should be doing my chem e-learning, but it's 12am and i need to wake up early.
fuggedit i will do it tomorrow/after today/saturday. MUST get it done by sunday.
well well well.
tomorrow (or rather today)'s a big day.
what we've been working for for the past few weeks.
i hope everything goes well.

2011-02-08T01:25:00.002+08:00

there is no way i'm going to be able to wake up in 5 hours time.
and still have enough energy for school.
ugh what the crap how did so much homework appear out of nowhere.

2011-02-07T20:40:00.000+08:00

chines new year over.
is very busy
will just list down things that happened and things to come.
to be expounded on if i have time.
unlikely.

visit many relatives.
cell steamboat.
jazz reunion bbq party.

homework.
jae ccafeste.
homework.
transcription + chords of HOLT + powerpoint
homework.
jazz workshop for j1s.
homework.
take 5
possibly more homework.

i'm sick of school. and we're barely into the second month.

2011-02-01T23:02:00.000+08:00

just had a dinner plus a nice long catchup with estella. i didn't realise it, but the last time we caught up was july last year.
hence many many stuff to update.
new york dessert cafe has really good desserts ><
and remedial PE today was still win. i wonder how many times more will i get fooled by gary ortega's "ok, this is the last set..."

no school tomorrow. awesome.
chinese new year in two days. not bought any new clothes, not going to.
after all, what's the point of buying for the sake of buying?

2011-01-31T00:48:00.002+08:00

i tend to do a lot of blogging when the clock just strikes midnight and i suddenly get a burst of inspiration to be all shiny and reflective-like (hurhurhur geddit?)
oh man that was so flat. i will not do that again.
it's been a pretty...good weekend, i suppose. now that today's officially monday even though i'm wide awake, it signifies the start of another crappy week. or rather another likely-to-be-crappy week.
even though i have only two days of school this week, i still feel very unmotivated to just...do school.
don't get me wrong. i've done my tutorials (save GP essay outline urgh) and i'm trying my best not to be lazy. it's just, i'm slowly realizing that i just dont look forward to school.
did i use to? i dont know, cant remember, not going to care. its more like, there are people who love coming to school - be it for friends, work, for the joy of mugging or whatever godforsaken reason they have, and there are those who just, dont. like yours truly.
however if i were to not attend school, honestly i wouldnt have anything to do with my life. i cant see myself being disciplined enough to want to sit down and actually make myself productive, be it taking up a job or home schooling myself or working on external projects. at least, not now. honestly i still dont think i have the emotional and intellectual maturity to keep myself alive in the dreadful world we call the corporate sector. not yet at least.
anyway it kind of seems like i attend school purely for the sake of attending school, and if ther are some benefits along the way, well they're much appreciated, but other than that...no.
i'm pretty sure i've mentioned this before sometime ago. and i'm pretty sure i'll get over it again and resign myself to the drudgery of everyday life. waking up early, going to school, sitting through lessons that dont impact me as much as id like them to, leaving school, squeezing onto the train and subsequently the bus, just in the midst of the rat race to and fro work. this repetitive sequence of events that we call, the 5-day-work-week.
its just nice to rant (:
obviously, being a teenager, life does have some perks. and i do enjoy them. i really do. there are so many things in my life right now, which i can tell you i love.
its when i start to indulge in wishful thinking that i become dissatisfied with what i already have. when i dream of things i want to accomplish and have, that make me groan and grumble at the immense effort required to fulfill these dreams. when i want to make myself feel better, by avoiding the cold hard truth.
and it's such a...self-serving mentality, something i grapple with daily - because i cant decide if i'm being selfish, or merely being normal.
man is inherently lazy and self serving - according to thomas hobbes. and i daresay he's quite right. let's face it - we all are lazy and selfish beings. dont give me that crap about how you love other people and whatever - i can guarantee you that 99% of the time that's in a weak self protest to reaffirm to yourself that you are not like that (even though you are).
and some of you might think - this guy is deluded. he assumes the worst in everyone, in everything.
however i think there's always that little fine line between pessimism and realism.
i used to be a pessimist, a fatalist, someone who just couldn't see what can go right in a world full of wrongs. often my imagination goes wild - all those crazy scenarios, what ifs, preeminent preventive measures to make myself feel better - all without really choosing to face and tackle the real issue at hand.
i realise i'm not too clear about this, so let me explain using an analogy:
let's say i have an apple i wanted to eat, but it rotted.
a pessimist would say "oh crap, i have a rotten apple, now i cant eat it T_T ".
an optimist would say "oh look, i'm glad i didn't eat this rotten apple!"
a realist would say "now, what can i do with this rotten apple?"
i realise i'm still not very clear but you get my drift.
now you might be wondering, "so, uh, how does this relate to the part about being a teenager and whatever rubbish you wrote above?"
get this - it doesnt.
but i can see how my thinking has evolved lightly over my "teenagehood". from being plain pessimistic to being realistic (or at least, trying to be).
obviously sitting around and crying about things doesnt help, but foolish optimism and baseless hoping doesnt get you anywhere either. it's something that's taken me such a long time, 16 years of my life to understand and realize.
which is why nowadays i'm starting to realize that if you really want to do something to change the current situation you are in, you have to shut the optimistic/pessimistic mindset out of your head and deliberate the problem with pure logic and with a rational mindset. (i think it's called maturity. lol.)
its something i'm trying my best to train. now i'm not sure if it's the right way to go - honestly, who determines "right" anyway?
i am currently dissatisfied with my progress so far. not because i dont seem to have achieved much (ie pessimism) but because i know i can do better (ie realism).
and i guess everyone in this little world we live in would be happier if we actually started being more realistic and not so...swayed by such pessimistic/optimistic feelings. lighten up, break and leg, and use those little grey cell a liiiitle bit more. not for excessive introspection, but for logical rational thinking.
i find it works for me. at least i feel it works for me. it may or may not but the results have yet to be seen. disagree with me all you want (and post in the tagbox if you do! i'd love to hear your thoughts).
because what i really want to do, is to be happier. and i find that this is my way of doing it.
which is why i present to you this:
(damnit embedding not supported)
How to be happy.

2011-01-30T02:59:00.000+08:00

my hair's almost dried so i will be going to sleep soon.
wonderful evening out tonight. went to sarayoo's surprise birthday party held at anaklakshmi(sp?) at chinatownpoint.
that place, is freaking amazing.
indian buffet (vegetarian) but SO so good. so many different types of curry, the rice (zomg the rice), papadum, and so much more! indian cuisine and culture is fantastically amazing.
oh and the restaurant itself is pretty epic mindblowing cool beans. like for one, all the waiters/cooks there are not professional cooks/waiters - they're just students/volunteers. and because its a buffet, you can eat all you can, but you pay all you want also.
amazing isnt it? its like, if you're stingy bastard you can walk out of the place paying $1 only (and you'll probably never get to go back again but). you just pay as much as you deem is necessary, and you can go.
and it's not like the restaurant is dying or whatever. it's actually flourishing pretty well. so many people go there, the ambience is pretty awesome, its not super posh or anything but they seem to fare pretty well. and they donate whatever excess funds they have to the indian tmple of fine arts (or something similar to that name).
by singaporean standards that's pretty revolutionary i must say. i can think of so many singaporeans who would go there and walk out paying minimally. this system of trust is just something which most singaporeans, or maybe CHINESE singaporeans like us, cannot comprehend completely because we are all so inherently selfish and self-serving. like i just told my bro just now and he was like "o.O must go there someday! (cos it's cheap)" SO typical bahahhaha kind of expected that.
amazing stuff. really amazing place. and ugh my diet plans are 100% screwed but who cares.

had a really great time tonight meeting different people i wouldve never thought i would meet. (fine, actually that's the same for all strangers but you get my drift.).
and after that, the cavorting/gallivanting around clark quay pretending to feel young like a regular youth (bahahahah) before settling at muchos - which is SUCH a chill place to go. seriously. chardonnay's pretty good too, but so were the cocktails. still prefer my chardonnay though.
ahhhhhh. fun times.
shucks. makes me wonder, how much of life i really miss out.

2011-01-29T13:17:00.000+08:00

i realised i have a tendency to swear more often nowadays.

looking at photos of the guys in thailand, goddamnit i'm so jealous. they are seriously enjoying themselves. what the i cant believe the school declared it unsafe because of the happy people in red shirts.

kurt rosenwinkel trio today. and i'm not there watching it.

ugh. ugh. ugh. ugh.

and like nic predicted, i'm too lazy to get out of the hosue to go run today.

nevertheless i will spend my day doing homework before going out tonight. im such a good boi, so proud of myself.

or not. i blame my class seriously what the hell a whole bunch of muggers luh. everyday stay back after school hide in library and mug. wts. what is their problem seriously ugh. freakin hell.

i havnt clocked in that many hours of studying a day. and every day after school ends i just have no mood to continue studying for another 4-5 hours.

what is this i dont even

i'm hungry i will go eat my noodles nao.

seriously though i would burn out if i did what my classmates are doing now -.- but i guess i should start soon. ugh.

ugh

fffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffff.

2011-01-25T20:33:00.001+08:00

REMEDIAL PE.
yes, remedial pe.
it is awesome.
i cant feel my arms.

2011-01-24T22:22:00.001+08:00

@#^% THE SCHOOL AND ITS RULES damnit.
why is jazz listed as a perf arts CCA and not a club.
causing misery and despair to many j1s who are signing up now, debating hard about which CCA to pick.
STUPID LIMIT SYSTEM OF ONLY 1 PERF ARTS/SPORTS CCA.
doh. just because we don't bring back medals doesnt mean we should be shafted to being a 2nd-tier CCA - our members are just as, if not more, talented than those buggers who participate in SYF. and ever since that implementation of the stupid RD crap, people now think twice about joinging.
wts man, wts.
freakk. UNHAPPY.

2011-01-23T18:03:00.001+08:00

british humor.
for whenever i'm feeling blue.
too good already.

2011-01-22T22:41:00.002+08:00

Dear Parents,

Jasmine was in a relationship with a dirty homeless boy named Aladdin.

Snow White lived alone with 7 men.

Pinnochio was a liar.

Robin Hood was a thief.

Tarzan walked around without clothes on.

A stranger kissed sleeping beauty and she married him.

Cinderella lied and snuck out at night to attend a party.

You can't blame us. We were taught to rebel since a young age.

Love,
Your children

2011-01-22T12:56:00.001+08:00

i fell asleep last night soon after reaching home, so tired was i.
but it was a pretty good day yesterday. we should do this more often.
learnt quite a bit, and had quite some fun.
sarpinos is great.
i cannot imagine what life would have been in JC without jazz.
for one, it would have been ridiculously boring. compared to now.

still cant imagine it.

2011-01-20T22:15:00.005+08:00

gelare.
that made me feel much better.
even though I havnt finished my power series yet hurhur. dont think i'll even get it done by tonight.

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2011-01-19T22:22:00.001+08:00

delayed-onset muscle soreness.
its killing me urgh. yesterday's Super High Intensity Training, ie S.H.I.T was just downright brutal. couldnt feel my arms after that, and now they are aching like crazy. so is my ab.
ugh.

ccafeste.
i think i would make a terrible salesman.
but a decent musician :D
nevertheless lots of interested j1s, i hope we can deliver. it's kind of scary now that the realisation has finally sunk in - we're going to be seniors to these bunch of young punks.
stress.

you know, i tend to have a lot of time on my hands as i join the slow march onto the trains that deport me back home daily.
and today i was thinking about the tragedies of the youth nowadays, who desire instant gratification and easy routes to success. who want things right now, and not later.
which kind of brought me to think about what i want. slightly ironic and oxymoronic, but hey. what can i say- i'm still a youth.
kind of hard to believe but.
anyway. i'm pretty sure i wrote this down before, but i'm too lazy to dig through my archives at the moment, so i'd rather just come up with a new list. (ah the pitfalls of being so wishy washy)
just thinking about it - things which pop into my head right now as i'm typing them:

i want to not screw up my napfa. that reminds me, i have to go enlist online, shall do so after this post
i want to get straight A's for my exams, incl CT1. if i actually put my heart and mind to it i'm sure i can do it.
i want to be more confident and less shy.
i want to learn how to trust my implicit judgement and not be so indecisive.
i want to earn more money.
i want be nice, yet not get pushed around.
i want to speak properly without mumbling or slurring my diction carelessly, as i am wont to do.
i want to be able to handle my emotions better.
i want to get tanned.
i want to make myself believe that i am awesome, and not a seedy old coot who dawdles in his own mind.
i want to not get discouraged so easily and let my imagination spin out of control.
i want to draw again. i miss drawing so, so much.
i want to watch the sunrise on a beach.
i want to watch the sunset on that same beach.
i want to do the above with someone i love (hurhur what a rhyme)
i want to drink. gotta love the CH2H5-OH.
i want to lose all this excess baggage around my trunk. (how subtly put)
i want to develop a great sense of humor.
i want to stop being in the background.
i want to not doze off everywhere i go, but rather be full of energy everyday.
i want to know that i am in full control of what i choose and decide to do.
i want to be able to love whatever i'm doing, at every single second.

looking over the words i bolded in each sentence, they kind of really reflect what i really want. it's slightly different from if they were not bolded, i think.
english is such a confuzzling language.

2011-01-19T09:34:00.001+08:00

its that same feeling again. can't help but feel like i'm falling into the same cycle again.
goddamnit dexter.

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2011-01-18T23:38:00.001+08:00

second day without homework in a row. can this be true!
of course not you silly boy. you just have something you've forgotten totally about.
so i ended up reading another book.

i dislike going home alone, especially on the train. ESPECIALLY when i get a seat and i'm frigging half drowsy and falling asleep.
because everyone gives you the evil eye and condemns you for not caring enough about the community, being from an elite school, blah blah blah. the usual stuff. for supposedly "pretending to sleep" (FYI i really did doze off i was so tired) and not giving up my seat to aunties who purposely park themselves in front of me and glare disapprovingly.
hello - heads up - i dont give a shit. i'm frickin' tired, i'm half asleep and drowsy and i'm carrying a 10-ish kg bag. so take your 2kg hand purse and go stand elsewhere instead of staring daggers at me while i doze off.
seriously man. every time i shook myself awake i catch someone glaring disapprovingly at me. what the hell.
sometimes it really sucks to be a youth today.

and it's this particular thing which bothers me - the fact that i am but a youth, 17 years of age and counting, but i feel like an old man.
not just any old man but a really grumpy old one with arthritis and backaches and traditionally-set ways of thinking.
like i was telling someone recently, sometimes i really feel like i'm living in the wrong age. throw me back a century or so and i'll be living up the life, sippin' my victorian tea and wearing a top hat and whatever.
okay, fine maybe not a century, about 30,40 years back. but you get my drift.
fact is i just really, really dont feel like a youth, much less a teenager. it's one thing to be sua ku, but it's also another thing to feel totally disconnected from the youth scene today.
and that's exactly how i feel. when i look back on myself, i really feel like a washed up, old man, advanced in years but not really in wisdom.
and that's what irks me a lot. although i feel old, i am constantly annoyed by the fact that i have the psyche of a typical troubled teenage boy. it might seem oxymoronic but somehow it just doesnt feel congruent with who i am and what i really feel myself to be like.
and as such, due to the psyche that i am stuck with for this period of time which i am a teenager, i find myself being bombarded with the most inconsequential (in the big picture) and irrational of thoughts and emotions. my imagination can be pretty wild sometimes to. or rather, quite often.
it's, annoying. the feeling of...immaturity.
ewww.
maybe it's because i give adults too much credit. i dont suppose adults would be mature enough to know how to solve all problems, but at least adults would respond in more rational and less erratic measures....right?
or not. maybe. i dont know.
can you just imagine feeling like a teenager when you're 90? fine maybe when i AM 90 i'll wish to be a teenager again but, its kind of like,
ugh i dont know how to explain. do you understand what i'm trying to drive at?
see, and example of teenage decisive communication deficiency at its finest. ugh.

for @#^%'s sake dexter, can you grow up and be realistic?

2011-01-17T20:34:00.000+08:00

first day in a long while which i have absolutely nothing to do. that's right no homework for once.
i wonder how many more of these kind of days will i get.
anyway, i actually do have stuff to do. jazz admin stuff, for one, and i should be studying for lecture test which - is - next - week!
ugh i hate j2.

2011-01-15T16:35:00.000+08:00

i am totally bushwhacked.
its been a crazy first week of school. so much work, events and rubbish to take care of. for once i'm actually doing homework every day. everyday's a meaningless grind for time. like really i've been dying for time.
so yesterday after jazz DTW photoshoot (which was pretty cool) and jazz prac/AGM with new TIC (which was pretty cool too), some of us went to watch exdee's last gig before they shave.
before the gig though, we went to eat at this super awesome salad bar-restaurant thing @ cineleisure basement, where for only 8.90, you get this huge plate and fill it up with delicious edibles like muchrooms with caramelized onions or sweet potato salad or alfalfa or croutons or whatever. although you cant go refill your plate, you get to eat whatever you can mound and squash onto your plate. so healthy and so awesomely good, i want to bring my family there someday.
and after exdee's extremely hairy (literally) gig, decided to southbridge to chill. amazingly enough we managed to stumble across greg glassman, a fantastic world-class trumpeter from new york, playing at southbridge.
have i ever mentioned how much i love trumpets? if i didnt make such a stupid choice in sec 1, choosing CO over band, i would have loved to play the trumpet.
anyway $25 for a ticket in + house pour, bit exp but it was still one of the best $25 i've spent. stayed there till 12.30+ before going home and crashing the instant after i showered and sat on my bed.

and i am *this* close to doing the same right now ugh. so tired, i just want to sleep and sleep and sleep and sleep and sleep.
it's funny, isn't it. when we were young, we argued, bawled, cried, and tried so many different ways to worm out of that fixed stipulated bedtime. and yet as we get older, we suddenly find ourself craving for more and more sleep. ugh.
i still have to do my homework though. so far that part of my resolution's been going great. partially because i am scared shitless of my econs teacher, but mostly because, hey, in 10 months time i'm going to walk into the exam hall wishing i was more prepared for the exam that determines the rest of my life.

fine, that was melodramatic, but its true.

2011-01-12T20:46:00.001+08:00

its the first week of school.
i look at my homework diary and its appalling at how ridiculously swamped with homework we already are. so many deadlines on friday, its ridiculous. for me, cos i have some backlog over the holidays, its even worse. but still the homework we've gotten for this year alone is retarded. and we still have 10 more months to go.
and i was late to school today because of the horribad traffic caused by all the new j1s flooding in.
j2 life ugh.

for the first time in 8 years, we have a maid.
its pretty weird not having to wake up to my dad bellowing in my ear and whipping away my lovely warm blankets on cold chilly mornings.
and for the first time in a long long long time we have a home-cooked meal. serious. its not bad too.
this will take some getting used to.

2011-01-11T19:33:00.000+08:00

i've been rushing out so much homework in the last three days compared to the past one month at home.

now that today i actually have a little time to relax a bit, i find my mind wandering and dwelling on insignificant self probing.

such as the fact that i find my emotional maturity severely lacking, almost as much as my undone math tutorials (that's a lot).

or maybe its because i feel that at this point in my life, i'm still unable to fully comprehend the intricacies of being a human. all the different feelings, emotional highs and lows, conflicting and clashing.

which is why i keep having to fight this uncontrollable urge to withdraw to myself. so often the most tempting recourse.

perhaps i'm treating myself too seriously/harshly. i suppose i have to learn how to, break a leg and loosen up, figuratively.

the thing is, i don't see myself as an emo kid, and i'm not trying to be one. its just a very natural instinct of mine to want to listen more and keep to myself rather than to speak my mind. i find myself selecting words, and certain times to talk, rather than bubble forth with enthusiasm and excitement.

yet, i love being with company. to listen and to absorb all the energy from the surroundings, to study behaviors and personalities, to form unspoken scenarios or conclusions in my mind. it's all really quite fascinating.
~~yes, i'm secretly judging you.~~

i dont always mention my opinion, but more often than not i usually have one. something i thought about when someone asked why i often do not have as much feedback as compared to others, causing premature terminations of conversations.
bu that's just me.

but really, sometimes amidst all the vivaciousness and gregariousness, i cant help but feel slightly out of place. even if i'm having the time of my life.

you know, sometimes i really wonder if it's that "inner adult mentality" of mine keeping myself in check.
dont ridicule me, i'm certain it exists :[

2011-01-10T23:42:00.003+08:00

first day back in school, and i'm swamped in leftover undone homework, i'm practically drowning.

tired.

back to work. still got at least some differentiation to do before i sleep.

oh and i learnt today during PE that my home weighing machine has been lying to me all this while. am upset.

2011-01-09T00:56:00.000+08:00

Peixin Lou says
i think
this year
is going to be
epic
for you
for me
><

- dexter - says
that's
supposed to be good, right?

Peixin Lou says
catastrophic
rather

ohhhhboy.

2011-01-08T22:15:00.000+08:00

honestly i'm scared to open it.
yes, i am.
if i open it, who knows what will happen?
i could be opening up a pandora's box of problems.
like i need any more.
/sigh.

damn you cadbury, why do you have to make your packaging so deliciously tempting.

2011-01-07T22:58:00.001+08:00

ow fk.
i just woke up 5mins ago and i feel like shit.
headache remniscent of a hangover, but i didnt even drink.

open house performance was,
lets not talk about it mmkay?

jeez i dont even know why i'm feeling so grouchy and irritable. maybe its because i havnt eaten dinner, and you know what they say - a hungry man is an angry man. only an sleepy hungry man is angrier. and it would appear that i am sleepy AND hungry.
but i know its not that.

2011-01-05T21:42:00.000+08:00

school is starting tomorrow.
i still havnt really *finished* any piece of homework lol. makes me feel kindof remorseful that i didnt really listento my mum nagging me.
really! i'm going to be the only slacker in my class i tell you, with all the kiasu muggertoads preparing for year 6.
damnit year 6.

2011-01-04T15:10:00.000+08:00

rehabitation.

from the small hole in the wall:

finally, to a room.

actually its just the study room next door converted into my new bedroom heheheh.
spent yesterday organizing the room, packing it, shifting stuff in and our, and finally completed most of the moving + wiring today.
couldnt sleep last night though. the sudden change in sides of the bed kept me awake all night ><
plus now i cant sleep in late, because the sunlight shines in on mah pillow D:

2011-01-02T17:09:00.001+08:00

aaaaaaaaaand it's done.

new year's resolutions!

1) get right with God and entrust everything to Him.

2) live a healthy lifestyle - no fast food entirely! wah cfm goner man idk what to eat.

3) smile more often. i think i'll start by smiling at everyone i meet. and people will think i am a psychopath.

4) do homework. this one is hard. VERY hard.

5) do well for A levels.

6) talk to my parents more. i think currently its insufficient.

7) appreciate and get to know people for who they are.

8) be confident in whatever i do, even if it seems silly/doomed to fail.

these are the top few on my list in no particular order.

what's yours? (:

2011-01-01T00:40:00.002+08:00

and I begin 2011 with a glass of honey mead ale at brewerkz.
its shaping up to be a great year.

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2010-12-30T16:06:00.002+08:00

i think
today's a good day to do a reflection on this entire year.
its ups and downs, the good and the bad.
its mildly cloudy at the moment, with a slight breeze blowing. just showered, so my mind is clearer than it usually is.

**

i feel that over this past year, a lot has changed. sure, for one the environment around me has changed, going into a new school with new curriculum, new demands on me etc etc. and that's to be expected i suppose. change is something everyone has to deal with - every minute, day, month and year. the winds of change often chart new directions.
that being said, i'm not sure if this year, the change has been...welcome.

i dont think i started off the year well.

just quickly browsing through my archives bring back quite a vivid recollections of events that happened, the mood swings i was having, the stupid things i said/felt/did. which lead to a subsequent decline in my mental stability.

but i think the change that has happened over this year is really apparent.

now that the year is coming to an end, i look back on myself, and i think to myself - wow. how did i get here?

relationships.

i think i'm still clueless about it, be it relationships with my parents, the few friends i have, or even teachers.

over this past year, i'd like to say i've gotten more mature, and learnt to be more sensitive to others. that my EQ has risen fairly decently (if it could even be measured in the first place).

yet there are so many things and times which scream otherwise.

in terms of being more open, i think i've come a long way. but in terms of understanding, i'm really lacking.

which is why what my mum told me during an argument sometime in the middle of this year is still deeply etched into my brain - that i still dont really understand what true friendship is.

and i think that can be applied to relationships in general - i still dont really understand what relationships with others truly encompass.

and this can be seen from the numerous incidents over the past year. not going to elaborate because each and every one of those incidents are still etched painfully in my head. forever or temporary i dont know. doesnt matter.

(i didnt really expect to be so methodical about my reflection but hey.)

a large part of the change in my life over the past year has definitely undoubtedly been jazz.

i know this is like flogging a dead horse but jazz really has been such a joy, to learn and to listen to. my batchmates, and seniors in rjazz have been such wonderful company to have, with all the hours, night and day, spent together making music and having fun.

however although jazz has taken up such a huge part of my life this year, sometimes i really feel that it's not for the better.

true, jazz has been a real comfort when i'm down, but i realised - its slowly become a mode of escapism for me. countless excuses conjured from being too busy with jazz. withdrawing away from others instead of going for help while indulging in my own selfish passion to keep myself happy when i'm feeling sick and tired. slowly becoming more and more polarised - something i'm trying very hard not to become.

i've also realised it's alienating me from familiar people, things, whatever. i find it hard to enjoy a normal pop song now. i find it much more difficult to relate with people who dont share the same love or interest in jazz. i keep getting referred to as the "jazz" person, and being constantly identified as that is not only tiring, but also causes me to feel more lonesome.

i dont think it's a problem with jazz, in its entirety. i think it's just a problem with myself, related to the problems i have with, well, relations. i dont think an ordinary love and passion for jazz music would normally cause such issues. i dont believe that its impossible to be well rounded in all fields, to be able to juggle everything properly.

i just dont know how.

with regard to ministry, things have definitely taken a...huge dip.

maybe it may be unwise or not prudent to air dirty laundry in public, but for the sake of doing an honest reflection on what the hell i have done, welll.

definitely, i have been irresponsible. i have been a terrible example, a horrible testimony and pretty much a piece of crap, this entire year.

i strayed.

i dropped my ministry with my cell without notice, without direct contact with anyone, without bothering to think about the ramifications of what i did. all on the whim of a selfish teenager too self absorbed in his own struggles to think about others.

i dried up.

what happened to the zealousness and passion which i used to have serving the Lord's ministry with all my heart and all my soul and all my strength? what happened to the daily bread every morning - the precious 15minutes every morning and night, that slowly dwindled to 10minutes, to 5minutes, and ultimately nothing.

its been a losing battle, this entire year. trying to pretend that everything's all right, that i'm still in it, that i haven't lost it yet. slowly losing the desire to come for saturday services.

all on the whim of a selfish teenager too self absorbed in his own struggles with what seemed to be everything at that moment. losing sight of what, and more importantly WHO truly is everything.

i'm not saying that this year has been total crap. i've had a lot of fun this year, meeting new people, learning new things, etc etc etc.

but they all seem so inconsequential now. coexistence of new changes with the old isnt impossible and all these will stay with me, but more importantly i need to regather back what i've lost.

i want to return to my old self.

i want to reverse some of the changes, to fix things that have broken, repair relationships that i have shattered, find friends i have lost, rediscover the joys which i have passed up, get back all the moments i have missed.

i have gained so much, this year. learnt so much more about the world than i have before.

but i've lost far too much.

let's be realistic.

i'm not going to be able to do everything. especially with A levels next year.

but it can help to start somewhere.

maybe beginning with a letter.

2010-12-27T23:57:00.001+08:00

tensgiving yesterday went super unexpectedly well.

if you saw the rehearsals you'd understand why.

i think everyone really did a really good job, and i'm quite proud of my kids (:

just came back from dinner at caleb's place. as usual, caleb cooked some pretty scrumptious dishes and we all ate until super full.

fellowship after that was pretty fun too. mostly the guys talking about NS, stan chart run, etc. some of them are stayig over but i prefer my lovely thick bed.

i think i'm becoming addicted lololol. been drinking a lot past few days.

finished the bottle yesterday morning, had three more cups tonight.

cant help it. and i kind of like the sensation.
plus it clears my mind.

2010-12-25T18:13:00.001+08:00

wedding gig went unexpectedly more smoothly than any rehearsal.
i suppose having good singers help deflect attention.

headache.
cant be hangover, i only had two glasses yesterday. maybe sleeping after showering wasnt a good idea.
idk just really tired. weather outside is pretty gloomy.
what, it's saturday already?

2010-12-23T23:59:00.001+08:00

tired, unhappy, stressed.
wedding gig tomorrow. unprepared.
things on my mind weighing my mood down.

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2010-12-23T03:00:00.003+08:00

i cant sleep, so i'm going to take the time to note the stuff that happened today, or rather, yesterday, considering how it's 2.30am now.
pandora's lying on my bed atm after exercise. my trusty cup is in front of me, half empty atm. and the bottle of riesling in the fridge is cooing my name.
not now. christmas, perhaps.

wednesday.
caught harry potter on the last day of screening. yes i know i fail but w/e manz.
not bad. some parts totally skipped over by the movie though, and i suppose it would be confusing if you didnt read the thing before.
we window shopped a little, walked around somerset 313 for awhile. lots of different brands i've never really bothered to find out about. good to broaden my own horizon i suppose.

after that, went for cell christmas party.
i,
dont really know what to say.
i enjoyed myself, yes i did. all the new incoming p6s, old familiar faces, the usual fun, laughter, lame icebreaker games, getting to know everyone's names, good food, present exchange,
it was good. it was fun. i think we all had fun.
and i'm looking over at my facebook page. tags from tonight's party increasing by the minute as someone's on a tagging spree. damn fast man (Y).
i just,
it just brings back memories of last year's cell christmas party.
the same place, the same people, the planning, the preparations, the gifts,
carribean christmas. (i still remember the name they came up with while i was in cambodia.)
the room with the plastic ballpen. the barbeque,
the people
the questions.
i guess that's really the main thing keeping me up and awake tonight.
things have changed.
i've changed.
but i wonder if it has really been for the better.
would it feel less stupid, if things had just remained the way they were. if a self-imposed exile, distancing and pretending were not the actions taken.
tell me. because i really dont know right now.
there's this, keening sense of loss which i just simply cannot describe. i just know it was present tonight. looking out from the balcony to that same table by the poolside ,where the conversations held there are merely whispers of the past.
questions.
and all the memories.

oh what a beautiful day.

sleep it off, i suppose.
live in the eternal now, right.
it's too late to wish for things to be different.

2010-12-17T11:46:00.002+08:00

EDIT: what a mundane post, i shall obliterate it entirely.

its ok, more insightful stuff coming up soon.
just gathering my thoughts.

2010-12-14T23:46:00.000+08:00

maint tonight.

so i took the liberty to pack up my room for once in a long long long long time.

found lots of interesting things in the deep crevasses of my lair.

reading some of the letter's i've kept brought a smile to my face.

angel, mortal, friends lost, found, past and present, family,

finding a nice place to store them.

and unwraping the TIMES magazines i get every month (or issit week?) but never read is quite interesting. lots of headline news stuff which are really cool and fascinating. wish i didnt miss out on them before.

2010-12-13T14:51:00.001+08:00

so i just woke up.

celebrated my bro's birthday with family dinner at a veh nice restaurant.
with wine.
mmmm wine. just the thing i need.

andrew taught us this song ytd.
so cheesy and corny but so beautiful.

2010-12-12T17:37:00.002+08:00

crappy past 24 hours. setback after setback.
of all days, today.
just wanna go home.

who was i to think i was good enough anyway. for everything.

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2010-12-12T00:10:00.000+08:00

bright young things workshop.

good stuff, tony makarome taught forms today, along with jeremy montiero who shared really wise words.

like how it is the common pitfall of many aspiring musicians nowadays to want to make music their job.

realistically speaking (from his experience) its impossible. you still have to clothe yourself, feed your family and pay the bills, and music just doesn't cut it. you need a proper job, something that will actually support your family, while you retain music as your lifelong work.

i thought that was insightful. he also mentioned stuff like how mazlow (read: the guy who formulated mazlow's hierarchy of needs) decided to analyze the greatest people who walked on this earth - like beethoven, prophet mohd, jesus christ, martin luther etc, and came up with three common traits that they all had. 1) they were independant of other's opinions of them, 2) they continued their work with the same passion and zeal irregardless of the outcome, and the third one i forgot. woops.

jfgi.

also he quoted keith jarret on the 5 stages of being a jazz musician in ascending order of importance-

1) having the technical chops

2) knowing your tunes

3) developing beautiful phrasing

4) having your own style

5) not becoming a parody of yourself ie dont get stuck.

very interesting stuff.

chijazz ~~performance~~ soundcheck was gosh darn awful.

but i will not rant here, cos i've already typed a nice long email to them and complained and ranted enough for this night.

BYT audition tomorrow. hurrrrrr.

2010-12-10T20:14:00.001+08:00

being realistic makes you pessimistic.
discuss.

in other news,
if you have a camera go read A Pictorial Guide to Avoiding Camera Loss!
in fact if you don't have a camera, just go read it anyway.
it makes me wish i had enough money, so that i could buy a camera to lose.
wait what?
that didnt come out right.
I DONT KNOW SOMEHOW IT MADE SENSE IN MY BRAIN.

EDIT: someone made a gif. so you do not to be less lazy and click that link, doing extra work. props to that guy.

2010-12-08T21:29:00.000+08:00

watched crazy christmas yesterday at the drama centre, national library.
enjoyed myself quite a bit o.O seriously. the cast was quite entertaining and the band was super groovy. zomg the disco medley was just pure awesomeness.
best part it was free hurhur. not trying to sound super cheapskate but really - free + good show = awesome.

restringed my guitar. and went shopping. ugh i suck i spent a total of $70 on my guitar today. freak i dont even konw what's wrong with me just spend like that. servicing $40 strap $30. that's all my gig money gone. shizz.

in other news, i signed up for bright young things today. auditions this coming saturday & sunday, honestly i have no idea how i'm going to do lol. just hope for the best.

2010-12-07T00:18:00.000+08:00

i forgot to post until now, at 12.15am
so this should be "monday"
stupid blog.

i cooked today.
lunch, and appetizer for dinner.
lunch went okay until i realised i forgot to add seasoning to my friend noodles. ugh. so i ran about the house trying to find random ingredients to add to my stir fried noodles.
cheese sounds weird, but it's good surprisingly.
then while waiting for dinner i tried to fry some ham rolls stuffed with cheese (again).
used too much oil. bleh. but it was pretty good.

cooking is fun!
just that washing up sucks bigtime.

2010-12-04T23:54:00.001+08:00

watched my brother's play this afternoon. awesome shit man, so many epic puns and innuendo laced within the epic epic script.
and the props were mad. seriously wtf is wrong with them they made a friggin BRIDGE. for a cohort of med students that's pretty mad i think.

but that was after i picked up my new ~~mistress~~ girlfriend.
hi all,
meet pandora.

2010-12-03T20:22:00.003+08:00

hopefully, buying my new guitar tomorrow.

i was trying some out at the swee lee warehouse today, and the guy assisting me asked if i was in a band.
somehow the first thing i said to him was no. but come to think of it, jazz is my band, i suppose.
i just,
somehow it was a knee jerk reaction to someone thinking i was good enough to be in a professional band.
i'm not.
but i'm going to be. or at least, try my best to be.

2010-12-02T23:40:00.000+08:00

read this.

7 Reasons the 21st Century is making you miserable.

it's good shit.

2010-12-01T23:00:00.000+08:00

had a mini gathering with michelle, ellie and nicole today @ seoul garden.
quite fun lah. ate, talked, gossiped, the usual. then being the only guy, yknow in an act of gentlemanliness i was obliged by the nature of the fairer sex to keep getting stuff for them.
but it was fun lah.
for bright, relatively mature young girls their age, they are terrible cooks. seriously. i cook better than them -.-

the gathering also led me to realise that hey shit, everyone's actually doing attachments or working now.
its depressing. because i just spend every waking moment at home, literally dying of boredom.
and on the train ride home i was thinking to my self "eh wai liddat D:"
honestly now's kind of late to look for a law internship as 1) those which take jc students are very few and 2) its already december. there's only 4 weeks max of holidays left, and it's too late to begin flipping newspapers, searching website and calling firms now.
and i thought to myself, what the (*&# happened to my post promo plan?
i seem to have lost every ounce of motivation that i used to have. suddenly the fire just died out. to practice guitar. to lose weight and get in shape for freaking once in my life. to save money to buy the archtop i've always wanted.
what the #&(*$ is wrong with me, really?
look, sitting around feeling depressed isnt going to do jack. because at the end of the day, you'll still end up a lazy fatass slob who moans every single day to people who might bother to listen about how depressing life is because i have nothing to do.
honestly dexter, it's not that you have nothing to do. its just that you're the lazy fatass slob who doesnt want to do it.
nou.
i will not walk down this path. i CANNOT just sit here and think depressing thoughts because i will not go down there again.
and i will actually do something. #$&^ this.

ellie suggested that i should have someone to work towards to as a form of motivation hurhurhur (x maybe that's why jonchow keeps working out and stuff cos she keeps him motivated (x
its not that dont have. itsmore of, just like finding attachments and work, i'm too late.
meh.

2010-11-30T11:33:00.002+08:00

i just had a nightmare.
about things to happen in jazz.
the strange things our minds take us through

may it never happen.

2010-11-29T21:28:00.000+08:00

hibernating.
i'm really wasting my life at home at the moment. every day passes with waking up, doing daily necessities, then sitting in front of the computer like a frigging slob.
until night.
somebody kill me.
the boredom is getting to my brain.

damnit. i miss everyone.