Sheer sweetness;

Thursday, December 30, 2010

i think
today's a good day to do a reflection on this entire year.
its ups and downs, the good and the bad.
its mildly cloudy at the moment, with a slight breeze blowing. just showered, so my mind is clearer than it usually is.

**

i feel that over this past year, a lot has changed. sure, for one the environment around me has changed, going into a new school with new curriculum, new demands on me etc etc. and that's to be expected i suppose. change is something everyone has to deal with - every minute, day, month and year. the winds of change often chart new directions.
that being said, i'm not sure if this year, the change has been...welcome.

i dont think i started off the year well.

just quickly browsing through my archives bring back quite a vivid recollections of events that happened, the mood swings i was having, the stupid things i said/felt/did. which lead to a subsequent decline in my mental stability.

but i think the change that has happened over this year is really apparent.

now that the year is coming to an end, i look back on myself, and i think to myself - wow. how did i get here?

relationships.

i think i'm still clueless about it, be it relationships with my parents, the few friends i have, or even teachers.

over this past year, i'd like to say i've gotten more mature, and learnt to be more sensitive to others. that my EQ has risen fairly decently (if it could even be measured in the first place).

yet there are so many things and times which scream otherwise.

in terms of being more open, i think i've come a long way. but in terms of understanding, i'm really lacking.

which is why what my mum told me during an argument sometime in the middle of this year is still deeply etched into my brain - that i still dont really understand what true friendship is.

and i think that can be applied to relationships in general - i still dont really understand what relationships with others truly encompass.

and this can be seen from the numerous incidents over the past year. not going to elaborate because each and every one of those incidents are still etched painfully in my head. forever or temporary i dont know. doesnt matter.

(i didnt really expect to be so methodical about my reflection but hey.)

a large part of the change in my life over the past year has definitely undoubtedly been jazz.

i know this is like flogging a dead horse but jazz really has been such a joy, to learn and to listen to. my batchmates, and seniors in rjazz have been such wonderful company to have, with all the hours, night and day, spent together making music and having fun.

however although jazz has taken up such a huge part of my life this year, sometimes i really feel that it's not for the better.

true, jazz has been a real comfort when i'm down, but i realised - its slowly become a mode of escapism for me. countless excuses conjured from being too busy with jazz. withdrawing away from others instead of going for help while indulging in my own selfish passion to keep myself happy when i'm feeling sick and tired. slowly becoming more and more polarised - something i'm trying very hard not to become.

i've also realised it's alienating me from familiar people, things, whatever. i find it hard to enjoy a normal pop song now. i find it much more difficult to relate with people who dont share the same love or interest in jazz. i keep getting referred to as the "jazz" person, and being constantly identified as that is not only tiring, but also causes me to feel more lonesome.

i dont think it's a problem with jazz, in its entirety. i think it's just a problem with myself, related to the problems i have with, well, relations. i dont think an ordinary love and passion for jazz music would normally cause such issues. i dont believe that its impossible to be well rounded in all fields, to be able to juggle everything properly.

i just dont know how.

with regard to ministry, things have definitely taken a...huge dip.

maybe it may be unwise or not prudent to air dirty laundry in public, but for the sake of doing an honest reflection on what the hell i have done, welll.

definitely, i have been irresponsible. i have been a terrible example, a horrible testimony and pretty much a piece of crap, this entire year.

i strayed.

i dropped my ministry with my cell without notice, without direct contact with anyone, without bothering to think about the ramifications of what i did. all on the whim of a selfish teenager too self absorbed in his own struggles to think about others.

i dried up.

what happened to the zealousness and passion which i used to have serving the Lord's ministry with all my heart and all my soul and all my strength? what happened to the daily bread every morning - the precious 15minutes every morning and night, that slowly dwindled to 10minutes, to 5minutes, and ultimately nothing.

its been a losing battle, this entire year. trying to pretend that everything's all right, that i'm still in it, that i haven't lost it yet. slowly losing the desire to come for saturday services.

all on the whim of a selfish teenager too self absorbed in his own struggles with what seemed to be everything at that moment. losing sight of what, and more importantly WHO truly is everything.

i'm not saying that this year has been total crap. i've had a lot of fun this year, meeting new people, learning new things, etc etc etc.

but they all seem so inconsequential now. coexistence of new changes with the old isnt impossible and all these will stay with me, but more importantly i need to regather back what i've lost.

i want to return to my old self.

i want to reverse some of the changes, to fix things that have broken, repair relationships that i have shattered, find friends i have lost, rediscover the joys which i have passed up, get back all the moments i have missed.

i have gained so much, this year. learnt so much more about the world than i have before.

but i've lost far too much.

let's be realistic.

i'm not going to be able to do everything. especially with A levels next year.

but it can help to start somewhere.

maybe beginning with a letter.

4:06 PM Caffeinated addict

Monday, December 27, 2010

tensgiving yesterday went super unexpectedly well.

if you saw the rehearsals you'd understand why.

i think everyone really did a really good job, and i'm quite proud of my kids (:

just came back from dinner at caleb's place. as usual, caleb cooked some pretty scrumptious dishes and we all ate until super full.

fellowship after that was pretty fun too. mostly the guys talking about NS, stan chart run, etc. some of them are stayig over but i prefer my lovely thick bed.

i think i'm becoming addicted lololol. been drinking a lot past few days.

finished the bottle yesterday morning, had three more cups tonight.

cant help it. and i kind of like the sensation.
plus it clears my mind.

11:57 PM Caffeinated addict

Saturday, December 25, 2010

wedding gig went unexpectedly more smoothly than any rehearsal.
i suppose having good singers help deflect attention.

headache.
cant be hangover, i only had two glasses yesterday. maybe sleeping after showering wasnt a good idea.
idk just really tired. weather outside is pretty gloomy.
what, it's saturday already?

6:13 PM Caffeinated addict

Thursday, December 23, 2010

tired, unhappy, stressed.
wedding gig tomorrow. unprepared.
things on my mind weighing my mood down.

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11:59 PM Caffeinated addict

i cant sleep, so i'm going to take the time to note the stuff that happened today, or rather, yesterday, considering how it's 2.30am now.
pandora's lying on my bed atm after exercise. my trusty cup is in front of me, half empty atm. and the bottle of riesling in the fridge is cooing my name.
not now. christmas, perhaps.

wednesday.
caught harry potter on the last day of screening. yes i know i fail but w/e manz.
not bad. some parts totally skipped over by the movie though, and i suppose it would be confusing if you didnt read the thing before.
we window shopped a little, walked around somerset 313 for awhile. lots of different brands i've never really bothered to find out about. good to broaden my own horizon i suppose.

after that, went for cell christmas party.
i,
dont really know what to say.
i enjoyed myself, yes i did. all the new incoming p6s, old familiar faces, the usual fun, laughter, lame icebreaker games, getting to know everyone's names, good food, present exchange,
it was good. it was fun. i think we all had fun.
and i'm looking over at my facebook page. tags from tonight's party increasing by the minute as someone's on a tagging spree. damn fast man (Y).
i just,
it just brings back memories of last year's cell christmas party.
the same place, the same people, the planning, the preparations, the gifts,
carribean christmas. (i still remember the name they came up with while i was in cambodia.)
the room with the plastic ballpen. the barbeque,
the people
the questions.
i guess that's really the main thing keeping me up and awake tonight.
things have changed.
i've changed.
but i wonder if it has really been for the better.
would it feel less stupid, if things had just remained the way they were. if a self-imposed exile, distancing and pretending were not the actions taken.
tell me. because i really dont know right now.
there's this, keening sense of loss which i just simply cannot describe. i just know it was present tonight. looking out from the balcony to that same table by the poolside ,where the conversations held there are merely whispers of the past.
questions.
and all the memories.

oh what a beautiful day.

sleep it off, i suppose.
live in the eternal now, right.
it's too late to wish for things to be different.

3:00 AM Caffeinated addict

Friday, December 17, 2010

EDIT: what a mundane post, i shall obliterate it entirely.

its ok, more insightful stuff coming up soon.
just gathering my thoughts.

11:46 AM Caffeinated addict

Tuesday, December 14, 2010

maint tonight.

so i took the liberty to pack up my room for once in a long long long long time.

found lots of interesting things in the deep crevasses of my lair.

reading some of the letter's i've kept brought a smile to my face.

angel, mortal, friends lost, found, past and present, family,

finding a nice place to store them.

and unwraping the TIMES magazines i get every month (or issit week?) but never read is quite interesting. lots of headline news stuff which are really cool and fascinating. wish i didnt miss out on them before.

11:46 PM Caffeinated addict

Monday, December 13, 2010

so i just woke up.

celebrated my bro's birthday with family dinner at a veh nice restaurant.
with wine.
mmmm wine. just the thing i need.

andrew taught us this song ytd.
so cheesy and corny but so beautiful.

2:51 PM Caffeinated addict

Sunday, December 12, 2010

crappy past 24 hours. setback after setback.
of all days, today.
just wanna go home.

who was i to think i was good enough anyway. for everything.

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5:37 PM Caffeinated addict

bright young things workshop.

good stuff, tony makarome taught forms today, along with jeremy montiero who shared really wise words.

like how it is the common pitfall of many aspiring musicians nowadays to want to make music their job.

realistically speaking (from his experience) its impossible. you still have to clothe yourself, feed your family and pay the bills, and music just doesn't cut it. you need a proper job, something that will actually support your family, while you retain music as your lifelong work.

i thought that was insightful. he also mentioned stuff like how mazlow (read: the guy who formulated mazlow's hierarchy of needs) decided to analyze the greatest people who walked on this earth - like beethoven, prophet mohd, jesus christ, martin luther etc, and came up with three common traits that they all had. 1) they were independant of other's opinions of them, 2) they continued their work with the same passion and zeal irregardless of the outcome, and the third one i forgot. woops.

jfgi.

also he quoted keith jarret on the 5 stages of being a jazz musician in ascending order of importance-

1) having the technical chops

2) knowing your tunes

3) developing beautiful phrasing

4) having your own style

5) not becoming a parody of yourself ie dont get stuck.

very interesting stuff.

chijazz ~~performance~~ soundcheck was gosh darn awful.

but i will not rant here, cos i've already typed a nice long email to them and complained and ranted enough for this night.

BYT audition tomorrow. hurrrrrr.

12:10 AM Caffeinated addict

Friday, December 10, 2010

being realistic makes you pessimistic.
discuss.

in other news,
if you have a camera go read A Pictorial Guide to Avoiding Camera Loss!
in fact if you don't have a camera, just go read it anyway.
it makes me wish i had enough money, so that i could buy a camera to lose.
wait what?
that didnt come out right.
I DONT KNOW SOMEHOW IT MADE SENSE IN MY BRAIN.

EDIT: someone made a gif. so you do not to be less lazy and click that link, doing extra work. props to that guy.

8:14 PM Caffeinated addict

Wednesday, December 8, 2010

watched crazy christmas yesterday at the drama centre, national library.
enjoyed myself quite a bit o.O seriously. the cast was quite entertaining and the band was super groovy. zomg the disco medley was just pure awesomeness.
best part it was free hurhur. not trying to sound super cheapskate but really - free + good show = awesome.

restringed my guitar. and went shopping. ugh i suck i spent a total of $70 on my guitar today. freak i dont even konw what's wrong with me just spend like that. servicing $40 strap $30. that's all my gig money gone. shizz.

in other news, i signed up for bright young things today. auditions this coming saturday & sunday, honestly i have no idea how i'm going to do lol. just hope for the best.

9:29 PM Caffeinated addict

Tuesday, December 7, 2010

i forgot to post until now, at 12.15am
so this should be "monday"
stupid blog.

i cooked today.
lunch, and appetizer for dinner.
lunch went okay until i realised i forgot to add seasoning to my friend noodles. ugh. so i ran about the house trying to find random ingredients to add to my stir fried noodles.
cheese sounds weird, but it's good surprisingly.
then while waiting for dinner i tried to fry some ham rolls stuffed with cheese (again).
used too much oil. bleh. but it was pretty good.

cooking is fun!
just that washing up sucks bigtime.

12:18 AM Caffeinated addict

Saturday, December 4, 2010

watched my brother's play this afternoon. awesome shit man, so many epic puns and innuendo laced within the epic epic script.
and the props were mad. seriously wtf is wrong with them they made a friggin BRIDGE. for a cohort of med students that's pretty mad i think.

but that was after i picked up my new ~~mistress~~ girlfriend.
hi all,
meet pandora.

11:54 PM Caffeinated addict

Friday, December 3, 2010

hopefully, buying my new guitar tomorrow.

i was trying some out at the swee lee warehouse today, and the guy assisting me asked if i was in a band.
somehow the first thing i said to him was no. but come to think of it, jazz is my band, i suppose.
i just,
somehow it was a knee jerk reaction to someone thinking i was good enough to be in a professional band.
i'm not.
but i'm going to be. or at least, try my best to be.

8:22 PM Caffeinated addict

Thursday, December 2, 2010

read this.

7 Reasons the 21st Century is making you miserable.

it's good shit.

11:40 PM Caffeinated addict

Wednesday, December 1, 2010

had a mini gathering with michelle, ellie and nicole today @ seoul garden.
quite fun lah. ate, talked, gossiped, the usual. then being the only guy, yknow in an act of gentlemanliness i was obliged by the nature of the fairer sex to keep getting stuff for them.
but it was fun lah.
for bright, relatively mature young girls their age, they are terrible cooks. seriously. i cook better than them -.-

the gathering also led me to realise that hey shit, everyone's actually doing attachments or working now.
its depressing. because i just spend every waking moment at home, literally dying of boredom.
and on the train ride home i was thinking to my self "eh wai liddat D:"
honestly now's kind of late to look for a law internship as 1) those which take jc students are very few and 2) its already december. there's only 4 weeks max of holidays left, and it's too late to begin flipping newspapers, searching website and calling firms now.
and i thought to myself, what the (*&# happened to my post promo plan?
i seem to have lost every ounce of motivation that i used to have. suddenly the fire just died out. to practice guitar. to lose weight and get in shape for freaking once in my life. to save money to buy the archtop i've always wanted.
what the #&(*$ is wrong with me, really?
look, sitting around feeling depressed isnt going to do jack. because at the end of the day, you'll still end up a lazy fatass slob who moans every single day to people who might bother to listen about how depressing life is because i have nothing to do.
honestly dexter, it's not that you have nothing to do. its just that you're the lazy fatass slob who doesnt want to do it.
nou.
i will not walk down this path. i CANNOT just sit here and think depressing thoughts because i will not go down there again.
and i will actually do something. #$&^ this.

ellie suggested that i should have someone to work towards to as a form of motivation hurhurhur (x maybe that's why jonchow keeps working out and stuff cos she keeps him motivated (x
its not that dont have. itsmore of, just like finding attachments and work, i'm too late.
meh.

11:00 PM Caffeinated addict